What openness in parenting actually means
Openness in parenting is the practice of inviting your child's authentic thoughts, feelings, and questions into the relationship instead of shutting them down for convenience or control. It means your child can tell you they're scared, angry, confused, or disagree with you without losing your approval. This doesn't mean permissiveness or abandoning boundaries. It means creating the conditions where your child believes you can handle their reality.
Most parents understand intellectually that kids need to express themselves. Where it breaks down is in the moment—when your seven-year-old questions your decision, when your teenager disagrees with your values, when your child's feelings inconvenience your schedule or your ego. Openness requires you to stay present in those moments instead of defaulting to "because I said so" or dismissing what they're feeling as age-inappropriate drama.
Why your own childhood makes this hard
If you grew up in a household where emotions were minimized, anger was dangerous, or disagreement meant rejection, you likely internalized a rule: feelings that create conflict are not safe to express. Now that you're the parent, that rule is still running. Your child brings you a feeling and your nervous system registers it as a threat—a threat to your authority, your schedule, your sense of being a good parent. You shut it down not because you consciously decided to, but because it feels necessary for survival.
Bowlby's attachment research showed that children whose feelings were consistently dismissed or punished developed either anxious or avoidant patterns. They learned not to bring their true selves to the relationship. As adults, those children often parent the way they were parented, repeating the pattern even when they've decided intellectually that they want something different. The work isn't to shame yourself for this. It's to notice it happening and pause long enough to choose something else.
The real cost of dismissing what your child brings to you
When you regularly close the door on your child's thoughts and feelings, you don't prevent them from having those thoughts and feelings. You prevent them from bringing them to you. Your child still experiences fear, anger, and confusion—they just learn to hide it. Over time, they stop trying. The relationship becomes transactional: you provide logistics and discipline, they provide obedience. The intimacy flattens.
The other cost is more subtle. Your child internalizes the message that their inner world is not acceptable. Not just unacceptable to you—unacceptable. They learn to distrust their own perceptions and feelings. This often shows up later as difficulty naming what they actually want, trouble recognizing their own boundaries, or a tendency to abandon their own values to keep the peace in relationships. They become adaptable in ways that look like maturity but are actually disconnection from themselves.
Openness doesn't require you to agree with your child or change your decisions based on their preferences. It requires you to acknowledge that their experience is real to them and that you can hold both your boundary and their feelings at the same time. You can say no to staying up late and also recognize that your child is disappointed. You can disagree with their choice and also be curious about why they made it.
One concrete thing you can start noticing
Pay attention to the moments when your child brings you something—a fear, a complaint, a question about why you believe what you believe—and track your first impulse. Are you moving toward them with curiosity or away from them with dismissal? Do you ask another question or do you explain and close the conversation? Neither response is inherently wrong, but the pattern matters. If you notice yourself consistently cutting conversations short, minimizing feelings, or redirecting to behavior instead of addressing what's underneath, that's the place to pause and do something different.
Start with one type of moment. Maybe it's when your child is angry at you. Instead of defending your decision or punishing the attitude, sit with the anger for thirty seconds. Say something like, "You're really mad about this." You're not agreeing to change anything. You're signaling that their feeling is real and you're not afraid of it. Over time, this teaches your child that emotions are manageable, that you're trustworthy enough to bring their whole self to, and that they can survive disagreement without losing connection.
If you want to understand what you actually value as a parent and where you're living those values and where you're not, the My Values core values assessment surfaces what matters most to you and shows you the gaps. From there, you can make intentional choices about what kind of parent you want to be.
Is openness in parenting the same as being a permissive parent?
No. Permissive parenting means few boundaries and few consequences. Openness means clear boundaries and firm limits, but your child can express their feelings about those limits without losing your approval or triggering punishment. You can say no and mean it while also acknowledging that your child is disappointed or angry about it.
What do I do if my child's feelings seem manipulative?
Distinguish between the feeling and the behavior. Your child might cry to get what they want—that's a behavior worth addressing. But the sadness or frustration underneath is still real. You can acknowledge the feeling ("I see you're upset") while holding the limit on the behavior ("crying won't change my answer"). This teaches your child that feelings are valid even when certain responses to them aren't.
How do I stay open when my child disagrees with me or my values?
You stay open by remembering that disagreement is not rejection. Your child questioning your beliefs doesn't mean you've failed as a parent or that they don't respect you. Curiosity about why they disagree teaches them that you're secure enough in your values to let theirs develop. This actually strengthens your relationship over the long term.
What if I grew up with no openness at all?
Start small. You won't suddenly become a parent who's comfortable with all emotions. You're rewiring a nervous system that learned to treat feelings as dangerous. Notice your edge—the point at which you want to shut a conversation down—and stay in the conversation for one more minute. That's the practice. Over time, your window expands and your child learns they can trust you with more of themselves.