You say loyalty matters to you, but you're not sure if the loyalty you mean is to other people or to yourself. When you're honest, you might be keeping promises to everyone except the one person who's been counting on you all along.
Who This Is For (And Who It Is Not)
This is for you if you've caught yourself breaking commitments you made to yourself while keeping everyone else's commitments intact. If you know the feeling of choosing the safe option instead of the true one because staying small keeps the peace. If you've said yes to things that didn't align with what you actually wanted, and only noticed the cost afterward.
This is also for you if you've wondered whether being loyal to yourself is selfish, and whether the discomfort you feel when you prioritize your own needs is something you should push through or actually listen to. You're trying to figure out if loyalty to self is a real value worth having, or if it conflicts with loyalty to the people who depend on you.
This is not for you if you already know, with certainty, what your core values are and you're living in alignment with them. It's not for you if you're looking for permission to abandon your responsibilities or if you think values are fixed and don't shift with context. And it's not for you if you haven't yet wondered what the difference is between the loyalty you perform and the loyalty you actually feel.
What You Will Discover
You'll see exactly where loyalty to self sits in your actual value hierarchy, not the one you've been told you should have. Shalom Schwartz's research across 80 countries identified 10 universal value types, structured in a way that shows which values support each other and which ones create tension. Loyalty to self sits within what Schwartz calls "self-direction" , it's about autonomy and making choices aligned with your own convictions. When you map your genuine values using this framework, you can see whether self-direction is actually a priority for you, or whether other values like benevolence, tradition, or security are competing with it and winning.
More importantly, you'll stop being confused by your own choices. Right now, you might interpret your inability to prioritize yourself as a character flaw or proof that you're not the kind of person who values autonomy. Instead, you'll see it clearly: either self-direction genuinely isn't as important to you as other values (and that's useful to know), or it is important but something is actively working against it. That clarity changes how you approach the conflict. It stops being a moral failure and becomes a problem you can actually solve.
Common Reasons People Wait
The first objection is usually this: "I'm not sure if this applies to me because I don't know if I'm selfish or generous." That hesitation is actually telling you something important. Most people who worry about this are not selfish at all , they're stuck in a false choice between loyalty to others and loyalty to self, as if they have to choose one. The research doesn't support that. Schwartz's circumplex shows that self-direction and benevolence don't have to cancel each other out. They sit adjacent to each other, compatible. You can be someone who honors both. But you won't know how until you actually see where your values genuinely rank.
The second reason is pragmatic: "I don't have time to figure this out right now." Fair enough. But notice what stays true while you're waiting: you keep making the same choices. You say yes when you mean no. You protect everyone's comfort but your own. The pattern keeps running because it has never been named. In six months, the weight of those small broken promises will be the same or heavier. Taking the assessment takes less time than one difficult conversation you're already avoiding.
The third is this: "What if I discover I don't actually value loyalty to self that much?" Then you have real information. It's possible that your core values are stability, family, or tradition, and that loyalty to self is a much smaller piece of the picture. That's not a failure. That's you seeing clearly what matters to you instead of what you think should matter. And once you know it, you can stop punishing yourself for not being someone you were never meant to be.
The My Values assessment surfaces your values, ranks them in order of what actually matters to you, and shows you where you're living in alignment and where you're not. That's where the work becomes concrete.
Is loyalty to self one of the 10 core values in Schwartz's theory?
Not exactly. Schwartz identified 10 universal value types, and loyalty to self falls under "self-direction," which covers autonomy, independence, and choosing your own path. Self-direction is one of the 10 types. Loyalty itself (commitment and faithfulness) shows up across multiple value types depending on context , loyalty to self falls under self-direction, while loyalty to group or tradition shows up elsewhere on the value circumplex.
How do I know if loyalty to self is actually important to me or if I'm just feeling guilty?
Guilt and genuine value conflict feel different once you know how to separate them. Guilt is a feeling triggered by breaking an external rule. A genuine value conflict is what you feel when you act against something that matters to you. The assessment distinguishes between these by showing you your actual ranked values and where your behavior doesn't match. If self-direction ranks high and you're still not honoring yourself, that's the real conflict. If it ranks lower, the guilt might be coming from somewhere else entirely.
Can you be loyal to yourself and still be a good partner or parent?
Yes. This is what Schwartz's research actually shows. Values that are adjacent on the circumplex , like self-direction and benevolence , can coexist and reinforce each other. Being clear about your own needs often makes you a better partner and parent because you're not running on resentment. But you need to know what your actual value ranking is first. Some people genuinely prioritize care for others over self-direction, and that's a valid value structure too.
If I take the assessment and realize I'm not living my values, what then?
You'll have a map. You'll see specifically which values matter most to you, which ones you're neglecting, and where the gaps are. That's when the actual decisions become possible. You can choose to realign your life, or you can choose to adjust your expectations. But you won't be guessing anymore.