You lose the small things first when you move abroad
The practical parts are manageable: you figure out transport, find a place to live, learn enough of the language to order food. What hits harder is waking up without the ambient sense of belonging that operated invisibly at home. Your humor doesn't land the same way. The things that made you feel competent—reading a room, knowing which coffee shop to go to—are gone. You're building community from zero, and there's no template for it because you're not the person you were before you left.
Moving to a new country reorganizes everything about how you understand yourself. At home, your identity was partly given to you by proximity. Your values seemed settled because the people around you reflected them back. Abroad, you have to name them. You have to know what you actually stand for, not just what fit in your existing life. The people you meet don't carry your history. They're meeting you as you are now, which means you have to know who that is.
Community abroad requires knowing what you're actually looking for
Many people move abroad expecting to find community, but they're vague about what that means. Connection? Shared interests? People who think like you? Intellectual stimulation? Stability and reliability? A place where you can be authentic? These are different things, and trying to build all of them at once is why so many expats end up lonely in crowded cities. You join groups, you go to events, you meet people, and something still feels hollow. Usually it's because you haven't clarified what community actually means to you, so you can't recognize it when you find it.
This is where your values become practical. If community means loyalty and shared history for you, you're going to struggle with the transient nature of expat life—people arriving, people leaving, everyone eventually going home. If it means intellectual stimulation and novelty, you might find the repetitive expat social circuit exhausting. If it means contribution and being needed, you might feel adrift until you find work or volunteer commitments that matter. The way forward isn't to want community less. It's to know what you're actually building toward, so you can stop pursuing the wrong version of it.
Your values are a clearer compass than your instincts right now
When you're unsettled in a new place, your instincts become unreliable. You might be drawn to people or situations because they're familiar, not because they're right for you. You might invest heavily in relationships that feel good in the moment because you're desperate to feel anchored. You might say yes to social plans you don't want to do because you're afraid of being alone. Or you might do the opposite—withdraw completely because the effort of building community from scratch feels overwhelming.
Your values don't change when you get on a plane. But they become visible in a way they might not have been at home. When everything is unfamiliar, the things that actually matter to you stand out. Do you need deep friendships or broad connections? Time alone or constant social engagement? People who share your background or people who push you to grow differently? Stability in your day-to-day or adventure and uncertainty? These aren't personality traits. They're values, and they determine whether a particular community—or absence of community—will actually sustain you.
The people you need to find abroad are usually the ones who share your values, not your background. That engineer from Germany might make a better friend than the other American expat, because they care about the same things you care about. That volunteer group might become your closest community because you're doing work that matters. Or you might find that you value independence so much that community for you means a small group of reliable people, not a broad social circle. All of these are legitimate. The trap is building a social life without knowing which one it should be.
Start with what's actually true about you
Before you invest time chasing a version of community that doesn't fit, get clear on what you actually value. Notice which moments abroad have felt good—not just fun, but good in a way that felt like you. When have you felt like yourself? Was it in a large group or one-on-one? When you were helping someone or being helped? When you were learning something new or when things were familiar? When you were part of a team working toward something or when you had space to think alone? These moments tell you something about what community needs to include for you.
The My Values assessment surfaces your core values and shows you where your life is and isn't aligned with them. For someone abroad, that clarity matters. You can stop guessing what you need and start building the community that actually fits. One question to sit with before you take it: what would change about your life abroad if you knew exactly what you were looking for?
How do I build community abroad when I don't have a shared history with anyone?
Shared values often matter more than shared history. Look for people doing things that align with what you care about—whether that's a sport, a cause, a creative practice, or a professional field. These activities create natural touchpoints and give you something to bond over beyond both being expats. Community abroad usually grows sideways through these commitments rather than vertically through one deep friendship.
Is it normal to feel lonely even when I have friends abroad?
Yes. You can have people in your life and still feel disconnected if those relationships aren't aligned with what you value. If you value depth and you're in a circle of surface-level friendships, you'll feel alone. If you value independence and you're in a group that demands constant togetherness, you'll feel trapped. Loneliness often signals a mismatch between what you need and what you've built.
Should I focus on finding other expats or locals?
There's no universal answer. Some people value the shared understanding of expat life; others find it isolating because everyone's temporary. Some find locals critical of expats or difficult to access socially. The real question is what kind of community actually sustains you. If you know your values, you'll naturally recognize which people and groups fit.
How long does it take to build community abroad?
It depends on where you start. If you know what you're looking for, you can find your people in months. If you're waiting to feel naturally connected without knowing what you need, it can take years or not happen at all. Clarity accelerates community-building more than time does.